It was me. I said them, and I'm always going to remember I said them.
[ That's the thing about wizards. It's written into the complex nature of their magic, the length of their lives. They remember. And they will always remember. It's just how they're wired. It's a gift, in a lot of ways, and a curse in so many others.
Alec is going to carry this day, the terrible feeling of hollowness with him for decades to come. He's going to always recall how Henry looked at him, pleaded with him, and how he could not even summon the will to care.
And in the middle of all of this, he has the brief, startling, lightning-flash of a thought of, Oh my god, this is how Sprezzatura feels.
What the fuck.
He shakes his head, breathes out a sigh, and rests his hand on the side of Henry's face. ]
It's okay. Just... raw, is all. I don't ever want to do anything like that to you again.
[Will he always remember how that felt, then, to be missing his heart? Always remember the things he said? Henry frowns even as he tilts his head into Alec’s touch. How dare someone do this to him, how dare they make him experience what it is to feel hollow, purposeless, adrift and uncaring.
How dare they? To his Alec?]
…Listen to me.
[He raises his hand, and cups him gently (weakly) along his jaw.]
I forgive you. I’d forgive you for anything, so forgive yourself, too.
[ Henry is probably a bit too tired to properly collect the pieces and conclude how well it will stick in his mind. Bright and vibrant and as real as the day he was whisked away from his home to land here in the prison. As sharp as the sights and sounds and smells of the Chicago Riverwalk in autumn. It will always be there.
But, for a blessing, he has Henry to pull him out of his thoughts, to help shove those memories back in the deep dark place where he keeps the death of his father, and the long torment of his childhood.
Listen to me, he says. And Alec does. ]
Henry... [ He leans into the hand on his face, presses into the warmth of Henry's palm. That touch, weak though it is, is grounding. ] I'll get there. I promise.
[Henry Creel, the man who only ever wants to unearth the bad memories… only wishes to quash them in Alec, now. That day when he was so, so interested in viewing the worst night of Alec’s life feels so distant. For a while now, he’s only ever wanted him to be happy — that’s all that matters.
All that matters…]
Good. Because all that matters is that you’re here with me now.
[He closes that barely-there space between them, and kisses him in a way that is rare for Henry — just gentle, just comforting. Just existing in a reality where Alec is no longer stolen from him. The last bit of his energy, for this.]
[ Oh. Yes, they both need this. Something uncharacteristically gentle, some kind of warmth and reassurance that the other is there and real and that the worst is well and truly behind them. Alec gives himself to this moment, this kiss, this man.
After a long, long moment that somehow doesn't feel quite long enough, they finally part, though Alec chases one more brief, sweet kiss, planted on the corner of Henry's mouth. ]
I love you. No one's ever going to take that from me again.
[They both desperately need it. What a shame that it has to end, though he manages a very weak smile when Alec steals away one more kiss at the corner of his mouth.]
I love you, too. And I won't let anyone take you from me ever again.
[He won't. He won't, he won't, he won't. He'll unearth the violence and anger from earlier and increase it a hundredfold if he has to, just to ensure this man never, never leaves him again.
...Of course, he'll have to take a nice long nap before any of that. He could use one of those right now, his form slouching a little, hands moving down to press at the mattress on either side of him to keep upright.]
[ They should probably have a talk about what did happen. Henry looks like hell, and he can only imagine that's because he went on a rampage. But he can also barely keep himself upright at the moment. Later, then. ]
You should rest. I need to go make sure Nagito and Cyllene and the rest are okay, but I'll be back before you wake up. Promise.
[He just nods. No more resistance to flare in Henry now. No more stubbornness.]
Try not to run into any trouble.
[He tries to be wry, but also. Please don't.
He'll situate himself to lie down, not even bothering to kick off his shoes, or wrangle himself beneath the sheets, whenever Alec decides to head out. He's practically out cold before his head hits the pillow.]
[ He will do Henry the service of tugging his shoes off and placing a blanket over him before he goes, then. Then it's off to the rest of the prison. To collect coins and healing cards, to yell at probably the one member of Tsuchigumo who deserves it the least, to visit Cyllene and Nagito and whoever else.
And at some point, he portals his way back into the room, and plops down at the desk. Whenever Henry wakes, he'll find Alec's still there, pouring over his books without really seeming to read the pages. ]
[His sleep is impossibly deep, and maybe blessedly dreamless.
And when Henry finally stirs, he still feels slow and sluggish. Heavy, in every way possible. But awaken, he does, finding himself beneath the bedsheets, having slept on his side -- so when he opens his eyes, he sees Alec sitting there at his desk, just like he promised.
He slowly sits up, propping himself on his elbow first to do so. He feels... 15 percent better. Which is a marked improvement when he was sitting at 0 before.]
Cyllene and Nagito have both been healed. And I heard a few interesting stories along the way.
[ He moves from his seat at the desk to come sit on the edge of the mattress instead. On the bedside table, a cup of water, which he offers to Henry. ]
[He doesn’t reply immediately. In fact, he just downs his glass in one go, not realizing how parched he was until the water touched his lips.
Stupid human body.
But he’s buying himself time, too, to know how to reply when he’s not sure how to parse it all himself. When he lowers his hand, his brow is knitted.]
…I was angry.
[No shit.]
So, so angry. For all I knew, I had just lost you. My whole reason for living was gone. Why would I have cared about anything, or anyone else? I just wanted…
[Everyone to hurt like he hurt. Indiscriminate in how he gifted it to others.]
[She… is. Was? He doesn’t know now, not after that. How he had been only angry, and grieving, and promises and friendship suddenly meant nothing in all of his hatred born of a sudden loss.
…The things he did to her. Her arm, the fire.
Henry drinks again, and when he’s done-]
Probably not after what I did to her.
[That actually sounds a little remorseful. He looks at Alec again.]
I told you. If I don’t have you, I don’t have anything. It drove me… mad, that reality. I don’t think you understand how much I’m— [unhealthily obsessed with you] Well. How much I need to have you.
That's one hell of an admission, and the fact that Henry almost sounds like he feels bad about it carries some weight. He wonders if there's going to be any salvaging this. Any of it. Sprezzatura, Tsuchigumo... well, Tsuchigumo can get fucked for all he cares, but Sprezzatura. He may not have liked her — and frankly whether he still hates her or not is something he's going to have to figure out — but she was Henry's friend. One of the few he had.
It was never his goal to take that away from him, and he somehow managed it anyway. It really is clear he doesn't understand just how central he is to Henry's everything. How, without him, he was willing to burn every bridge, destroy everything and everyone in his path. It's frightening, the scale of it, the weight.
And yet he so selfishly indulges in it. Lets the noose wind tighter until one of them cannot hope to exist without the other. ]
I'm beginning to. [ Understand, he means. ] Was there anyone else? After the kid and Sprezzatura?
[Like the rope of that noose isn’t already chaffing against their necks. He’ll understand fully someday, he’s sure. They’ll have nothing at all that matters other than each other at that point.
But… was there anyone else? Again, memory unfurls in him, sorting through into a timeline. And he remembers—
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striketwice) wrote2022-10-02 07:47 pm
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[ That's the thing about wizards. It's written into the complex nature of their magic, the length of their lives. They remember. And they will always remember. It's just how they're wired. It's a gift, in a lot of ways, and a curse in so many others.
Alec is going to carry this day, the terrible feeling of hollowness with him for decades to come. He's going to always recall how Henry looked at him, pleaded with him, and how he could not even summon the will to care.
And in the middle of all of this, he has the brief, startling, lightning-flash of a thought of, Oh my god, this is how Sprezzatura feels.
What the fuck.
He shakes his head, breathes out a sigh, and rests his hand on the side of Henry's face. ]
It's okay. Just... raw, is all. I don't ever want to do anything like that to you again.
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How dare they? To his Alec?]
…Listen to me.
[He raises his hand, and cups him gently (weakly) along his jaw.]
I forgive you. I’d forgive you for anything, so forgive yourself, too.
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But, for a blessing, he has Henry to pull him out of his thoughts, to help shove those memories back in the deep dark place where he keeps the death of his father, and the long torment of his childhood.
Listen to me, he says. And Alec does. ]
Henry... [ He leans into the hand on his face, presses into the warmth of Henry's palm. That touch, weak though it is, is grounding. ] I'll get there. I promise.
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All that matters…]
Good. Because all that matters is that you’re here with me now.
[He closes that barely-there space between them, and kisses him in a way that is rare for Henry — just gentle, just comforting. Just existing in a reality where Alec is no longer stolen from him. The last bit of his energy, for this.]
no subject
After a long, long moment that somehow doesn't feel quite long enough, they finally part, though Alec chases one more brief, sweet kiss, planted on the corner of Henry's mouth. ]
I love you. No one's ever going to take that from me again.
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I love you, too. And I won't let anyone take you from me ever again.
[He won't. He won't, he won't, he won't. He'll unearth the violence and anger from earlier and increase it a hundredfold if he has to, just to ensure this man never, never leaves him again.
...Of course, he'll have to take a nice long nap before any of that. He could use one of those right now, his form slouching a little, hands moving down to press at the mattress on either side of him to keep upright.]
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[ They should probably have a talk about what did happen. Henry looks like hell, and he can only imagine that's because he went on a rampage. But he can also barely keep himself upright at the moment. Later, then. ]
You should rest. I need to go make sure Nagito and Cyllene and the rest are okay, but I'll be back before you wake up. Promise.
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Try not to run into any trouble.
[He tries to be wry, but also. Please don't.
He'll situate himself to lie down, not even bothering to kick off his shoes, or wrangle himself beneath the sheets, whenever Alec decides to head out. He's practically out cold before his head hits the pillow.]
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And at some point, he portals his way back into the room, and plops down at the desk. Whenever Henry wakes, he'll find Alec's still there, pouring over his books without really seeming to read the pages. ]
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And when Henry finally stirs, he still feels slow and sluggish. Heavy, in every way possible. But awaken, he does, finding himself beneath the bedsheets, having slept on his side -- so when he opens his eyes, he sees Alec sitting there at his desk, just like he promised.
He slowly sits up, propping himself on his elbow first to do so. He feels... 15 percent better. Which is a marked improvement when he was sitting at 0 before.]
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Hey.
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[Hefting himself up into a proper sit, he rubs at his eyes in an almost childlike way.]
You’re back. …how did it go?
[Checking on everyone.]
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Cyllene and Nagito have both been healed. And I heard a few interesting stories along the way.
[ He moves from his seat at the desk to come sit on the edge of the mattress instead. On the bedside table, a cup of water, which he offers to Henry. ]
Feeling up to telling me what happened?
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His brow raises slightly as he takes the glass of water, looking at Alec.]
Why don’t you tell me what stories you heard first?
[He has an inkling. The memories are unfolding again in his head.]
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I heard you attacked some kid. And broke Sprezzatura's arm.
You know, for starters.
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Stupid human body.
But he’s buying himself time, too, to know how to reply when he’s not sure how to parse it all himself. When he lowers his hand, his brow is knitted.]
…I was angry.
[No shit.]
So, so angry. For all I knew, I had just lost you. My whole reason for living was gone. Why would I have cared about anything, or anyone else? I just wanted…
[Everyone to hurt like he hurt. Indiscriminate in how he gifted it to others.]
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No shit.
[ No shit Henry was angry. Alec would have felt the same in his place. ]
Still... I guess I'd kind of hoped you wouldn't turn on everyone. I thought Sprezzatura was your friend.
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…The things he did to her. Her arm, the fire.
Henry drinks again, and when he’s done-]
Probably not after what I did to her.
[That actually sounds a little remorseful. He looks at Alec again.]
I told you. If I don’t have you, I don’t have anything. It drove me… mad, that reality. I don’t think you understand how much I’m— [unhealthily obsessed with you] Well. How much I need to have you.
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That's one hell of an admission, and the fact that Henry almost sounds like he feels bad about it carries some weight. He wonders if there's going to be any salvaging this. Any of it. Sprezzatura, Tsuchigumo... well, Tsuchigumo can get fucked for all he cares, but Sprezzatura. He may not have liked her — and frankly whether he still hates her or not is something he's going to have to figure out — but she was Henry's friend. One of the few he had.
It was never his goal to take that away from him, and he somehow managed it anyway. It really is clear he doesn't understand just how central he is to Henry's everything. How, without him, he was willing to burn every bridge, destroy everything and everyone in his path. It's frightening, the scale of it, the weight.
And yet he so selfishly indulges in it. Lets the noose wind tighter until one of them cannot hope to exist without the other. ]
I'm beginning to. [ Understand, he means. ] Was there anyone else? After the kid and Sprezzatura?
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But… was there anyone else? Again, memory unfurls in him, sorting through into a timeline. And he remembers—
Oh.
Uh oh.
He… just Looks at Alec.]
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What is it, Henry? What did you do?
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He actually cuts his gaze to a nondescript part of the wall that is suddenly very interesting.]
I ran into Ori.
[Ran… into…]
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[ Alec ran into her too, but he'd be damned if he was able to summon up the ability to care about her state of being at the time. ]
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I told you, I was angry. [Like this reiterated preface helps.] I attacked her.
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I know she's not dead, at least. How bad was it?
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